The doubters chair
I think seeing a baby days after it’s been born is a hugely spiritual moment. The wonder of new life. The hope for the future while things are brand new and perfect. It’s an experience I run to at every opportunity. A tiny glimpse perhaps of how God sees us. You see this helpless baby and you know you’d do anything within your power to protect it and nourish it and offer it as much love as is possible to receive! We begin to get the idea of how great the Fathers love is for his children. He sent his SON to die for US! It’s quite incredible and almost beyond our comprehension.
And yet there’s always a flip side to the coin. While we marvel at newborn babies we too have to think about the pain and suffering that brought this baby into the world. The days of agony and the feeling that you are alone and that God is far far away.
We have to cope with disappointment and questions that won’t go away. Why did it happen this way? Why didn’t God make it different? Why do I have to go through this and feel so alone?
I don’t know the answer to those questions though it’s always tempting to think that I do. I could come up with theories and possibilities but I don’t really know. I don’t really understand.
Garrison Keillor writes in his weekly blog for Salon.com
‘There is comfort for the doubter in the Passion story. You are not alone. Jesus’ cry from the cross was a cry of incredulity. The apostle denied even knowing Jesus three times. The guy spent years with Jesus, saw the miracles up close, the raising of Lazarus, the demons cast out, the sick healed, the water-walking trick, all of the special effects, but when the cards were down, he said, “Who? Me? No way.”
He repented. I would too, but not quite yet.
Skepticism is a stimulant, not to be repressed. It is an antidote to smugness and the great glow of satisfaction one gains from being right. You know the self-righteous — I’ve been one myself — the little extra topspin they put on the truth, their ostentatious modesty, the pleasure they take in being beautifully modulated and cool and correct when others are falling apart. Jesus was rougher on those people than He was on the adulterers and prostitutes.
So I will sit in the doubter’s chair for a while and see what is to be learned back there.’
I think that’s what I love about Apres Church. It allows me to sit in the doubters chair. There are times when I don’t need to sit there. Other times when I think I’ll never leave it. That’s ok. I’ve got friends to sit with me.
What I love about Apres Church is how refreshingly honest people are. I remember when Alex said to me that it says in the bible that God resists the proud, he doesn’t resist the sexually immoral, the liars, the tax collectors … or even the doubters. I suppose this is because when there is pride it is really difficult to learn … and even more difficult to admit that you have any doubts. I will join you in that doubting chair for the time being.
Once again the blog ministers to me, makes me think, IS church for me.
Church or God??
This is an uplifting post and associated comments. I feel that as time goes on, I know less and have more doubts. Its good to know I’m not alone. I like what Keillor says about self righteousness and “ostentatious modesty”- there is so much of it in church - especially charismatic type churches and I don’t think its an exaggeration to say it makes me sick. I’m just sorry to all the people I have been like that to in the past - I must have been a right d**khead.
Currently I am finding it hard to relate to people in church. feeling more and more distant after every conversation. I know I should maintain relationship and I want to - I like most of them! Its weird - its like our shared faith is the elephant in the room - there is clearly a big difference in what we believe but no one wants to talk about it or raise the subject. It feels like doubts are a form of weakness or a sign of other underlying problems that the doubter has.
One person asked me how things were going at church. I replied that I was having doubts and rethinking my beliefs regarding church and christianity. He said: “Oh. Sorry to hear that. I suppose thats OK as long as you come to the right conclusions” My reply was that currently the only right conclusion is not to kill myself - which was a bit of a conversation stopper.
The hardest thing is not being smug and self righteous about my non self righteous, anti ostentatious modesty beliefs - if you get what I mean!
I loved the chapter in missing the point about doubt. Faith is tempered by doubt. This is not the same as unbelief but the Spirit causes us to question things, get niggled by inconsitencies because it is through exploring those niggles that we are lead into greater truth. Without doubt we would never challenge our worldviews, never develop and forever be spiritual babies. Doubt is the healthy engine for the continuing journey, of wonder, of truth. Let us then wrestle with our questions with perseverance because we know that together the prize is worth the struggle.
[…] thinking more about Marji’s brilliant post, I keep finding myself singing that song by James "Sit down". Here are the lyrics - I’m always very moved by the last verse and it sums up for me a lot of how Jesus always sided with marginalised, the hurting, the misunderstood. It speaks to the heart of working through doubt to get to truth, to pain to reach healing, of acceptance and fellowship. I love that it doesn’t try to offer trite solutions to life’s problems. It makes me cry and I hope apres church can be like this - that we can be there to help each other along. What else is church for but to share in the joy and the pain? I’ll sing myself to sleep A song from the darkest hour Secrets i can’t keep Inside of the day Swing from high to deep Extremes of sweet and sour Hope that god exists I hope i pray […]